The Real Hustle- Jayvir Pillay

As Durban’s youth prepare to usher a new year into existence with copious amounts of alcohol intake and bodily fluid exchange, there goes a delicate process by which one and all adhere to. Certain nuances and customary rituals that must be performed to ensure optimum revelry on a night out.

The first objective as the fleeting daylight retreats behind the horizon is sustenance or lining the liver as its own. A meal not too heavy that it will result in paying homage to the porcelain god as the clock counts down, but just the right balance of grease and carbohydrates to not only fuel you into the early hours of 2011, but also obey the cardinal rule. Never drink on an empty stomach. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve given this precise sermon to
compatriots expelling last night’s chicken curry and rice over the décor of upscale establishments. Next up is grooming; customary shower, shit and shave (it has a ring to it..dont gross out on me..). Men must craft sideburns and other delicate areas. Dress- smart /casual but comfort above all else. Woman- tasteful yet provocative, and ensuring the ideal clothing to skin ratio for calculated aesthetics. Parental disapproval of that dress which is just a bit too high or a neck line that’s a tad too low is easily concealed with a jacket or cover up that will come off faster than a teen at Mardi Gras. It’s all academic as your safe once you reach the confines of the car/changing room. Word of note, wearing sunglasses at night, inside a club, only draws attention to that fact that you covering your eyes for what ever narcotic reason. That’s only if your grinding jaws or stroke like mouth gestures didn’t already give that away. Or so I’ve heard. Financial subsidy negotiated, accomplices notified and last minute smell tests. I find not matter how intrusive, over compensating the Eau de toilette is better than under. Your 24 hour guaranteed antiperspirant wasn’t designed for the onslaught to follow. Which brings me to the last and most crucial element to any night out for those still young enough to need one…..The ALIBY…which will be the subject today's “how to” if you will, drawn from experiences I have amassed and for the benefit of those still housed in parental compounds.

From the dawning of time when god sent down his only son, there has been the misappropriation of the truth between parents and children as far as full disclosure on nocturnal activities. I am in no doubt that even the kids of the Great Great Grand Pilllays making their voyage on the ships had to sneak away to the “jols” on the lower deck. It’s not for being bastard spawn that we blatantly re-represent the truth but there are some things that our parents would rather just not know. If you think about it we’re actually bending the truth out of love. We are the ones who care……….*dwindles into delusion*….but back to the matter at hand.

The best alibis breed from familiarity. You cant spend all year round cradling your pillow on the back of endless Lost and How I Met Your Mother marathons and suddenly be going out to meet with a local Jane Austen Book Club. You also have to be consistent. You can’t say you going out for supper and then come home at 3 in the morning, pupils dilated; smelling like fresh cut wet grass, and be warming up a plate of roast chicken and a side order of death by chocolate cake. If you can, name drop someone who is held by your parents in some regard higher than you. This doesn’t even have to be the case as long as their parents are a doctor or a lawyer and such. Tends to be an Indian thing. Whatever you do, be sure that you inform your “alibi” that they are in fact your accomplice because I’ve seen too many fly too close to the sun only to crash and burn.

Never underestimate the deduction skills of your parents. They may not be able to work out how to put that “mouse thing by the Internet thing” but they’ll smell you wholesaling bullshit a mile away and they aren’t buying. Whichever con your going with, make it believable or you’ll find yourself as far from freedom as a Chilean miner. Don’t even think about the “sneak out when they go to sleep” maneuver unless you have amassed great knowledge as to your parents sleep cycles, schedules, and possibly medical requirements. You’ll find your parents chronic nightly Valium doses a blessing in disguise.

If you’re going to dabble in grand theft auto, I must again emphasis attention to detail. Make note of petrol the gauge before you leave and do a stop by at the garage to wash off the blood and vomit before you return. Let me just that even the position of the rear mirror and seat adjustments can be your outdoing. Alas to be young and ignorant

 I look back with fond melancholy at my first attempts at circumventing warden control. The late night escapades running up taxi meters and feeble excuses of “it was the smoke machine” and even more pathetic “someone spilled their drink on me”.

If you are unlucky enough to be subject to “the phone call” then plan ahead. Survey the floor plan of your venue on sober arrival and pre determine a sufficiently acoustic place to answer. One of the most useful ploys I came across was a friend of mine who assigned his home and parent’s phone numbers as a police siren ring tone. Another had so eloquently renamed a contact as “shit!!...its mom..”

August 29, 2005 – Fox television network aired the pilot of their ground breaking new series, Prison Break. Audiences were titillated in front of their TV screens as they watched Michael Scofield as he broke INTO prison. A thrilling concept which we’ve actually been doing ourselves for years. It’s all good and well pulling off the real hustle. Nailing the hook and following through like Ernie Else on the Sun City back 9, but if you don’t get the close just right, its game over. Surely enough if you had to lie your way out of the house, your going to need to hide your state of mind when you return and here are some finishing tips.

Given your timing and condition, as well as at what stage of their rem cycle your wardens are, you going to need to move with caution. You not making an entrance and this is not Durban International arrivals terminal coming in from India or the Middle East. Be cool. I’m talking Clint Eastwood in Dirty Dozen cool….Cool Hand Luke…Harvey Keitel Pulp Fiction Cool….generally a low temperature if you get what I'm saying. The last thing you need is to come in flaking and sweating like a whore in confession. Limit eye contact to a bare minimum and don’t outwardly avoid conversation. Keep it brief; maybe throw in a fun fact and bee line for your room. All of which is completely useless if you come home smelling like the South African Breweries control tester. So clean yourself up. Gum, eye drops and deodorant are glove compartment essentials.

However you do decide to spend your New Years in the bleakness that is Durban, don’t drink and drive. You’ll spill….and drugs are bad mmmmkay….

Meet up in the jol ;))